Just call him Vladimir Poopin’.

Of course, Earth’s own real-life Dr. Evil has a gold toilet paper dispenser and brush on his $700 million superyacht, the Scheherazade — named for the princess who tells a story each night to a homicidal king, always with a cliffhanger so she can stay alive.

Putin’s flexing, as revealed by leaked pictures inside his boat, is like the worst dating profile ever: “When not carpet-bombing maternity hospitals and old folks’ homes or threatening global nuclear annihilation, Vlad enjoys the tackiest in interior decorating.”

You just know he’s got a gold toilet bowl to match.

Oh, Freud would have a field day.

Clearly, Putin’s not just a maximalist in war but design. Where there’s gold here there’s marble, plus tile plus accents layered with crystal and glass.

There’s simply nowhere for the eye to rest — not that anyone in Putin’s circle is ever at rest.

Maybe that’s the point?

One would think a mature, worldly warmonger might want to show more restraint in décor than, say, a billionaire tech-bro or a Real Housewife of New Jersey — viewers will know who I’m talking about, the one known for “dictator chic.”

But no. In fact, Putin’s done them all better. What else would you expect from a madman bent on world domination? Yes, Mad Vlad also has a gold-plated toilet seat on his private plane and an $824 gold toilet brush in another secret lair.

Only the finest for the world’s most despised piece of s—t.

Is there any greater metaphor for the rule of Vladimir Putin? A downtrodden nation strains to eliminate political toxins and thieving oligarchs, eager to flush them all down and start anew — with a fresh bowl, as it were?

Putin himself loves a metaphor. In 2008 he said being the head of Russia was like being a galley slave — bet his superyacht’s below deck staff had a laugh at that!

What else have we learned from these pictures? He seems partial to veined marble, perhaps the better to ponder bloodshed. He’s also got a dance floor on this yacht that drops down into a pool — you can imagine the hijinks that might ensue! It’s like the trickiest trap door ever.

And that’s not all! There’s a huge home cinema for fun nights in watching state-run TV, a ghost piano that plays itself (not at all creepy), two helipads for swift, mid-sea exits, and a hospital — hey, better safe than sorry, right?

There’s only one thing this toilet paper holder is missing: custom toilet paper for the man himself, his face on every square. Note to Vlad: Some rolls are available in 3-ply, assuring comfort for even the most aggravated asshole.