Only New York City natives will understand this: There is no North and South. It’s “uptown” or “downtown.” New Yorkers don’t know from North and South. It’s East or West and “crosstown.” And it’s not Manhattan, it’s “the City.”

A 500-square-foot apartment is large. You pay “only” $500 a month to park your car. A stranger’s from Rhode Island and you say, “You live where?” No peace because next door they’re arguing, dog’s barking, kid’s crying or TV’s on.

It’s Sixth Avenue not Avenue of the Americas. It’s the Triboro not the Robert F. Kennedy. Looking for Queensboro Bridge? It’s now the Ed Koch. Brooklyn Battery Tunnel? Now the Hugh Carey. Want B. Altman? Me too.

Not the least interested in going to Times Square on New Year’s Eve. The presidential visit is just a major traffic jam — not an honor. You resent September because the UN ties up streets. You cringe hearing Houston Street pronounced like the Texas city. You wear black, navy, gray, beige. Orange, yellow sherbet colors are out-of-towners.

You know what’s a “regular” coffee. You know Sunday breakfast’s a bagel and a schmear. You know what’s a bodega. You wouldn’t bother ordering Chinese in any other city. You order takeout and the major food groups are Chinese, Italian, Mexican, Indian. The deli gives you a straw with every beverage — even beer. Lunch can be outdoors, sitting on a step, curb or walking. Eat a pretzel off a pushcart.

No space to walk because everyone’s schlepping a big bag. The guys your big bag is bumping into are also carrying a big bag. You shop from sellers on the sidewalk.

Traffic’s so bad you can’t get crosstown unless you’re born there. Cross middle of the street and yell at cars for not respecting your right to do it. Middle-age, you never had a driver’s license. Even asleep you know when alternate side of the street parking starts.

Ride a subway car without air conditioning just because there’s seats available. Know exactly where on the platform the doors open to leave you right in front of the exit stairway. Nap on the subway and never miss your stop. Know nobody actually understands any PA announcement on the subway.

Spend 10 years away, open your mouth and everyone still knows you’re from Noo Yawk. Return after 10 years away and first foods you want are pizza, bagel, cheesecake and steak.

Bumped into and you immediately check for your wallet. Never even notice anyone all alone having a normal conversation with one’s self. Don’t know your neighbors.

And are cranky. And want to live here.

Only in New York, kids — home of Scorsese, Dustin, Woody, Gaga, Julianne, Gyllenhaal, Gayle, De Niro, Jackman, Madonna, Sarah Jessica, Taylor Swift, Matt Damon — only in New York.