Cupid’s arrows are coming
Valentine’s Day is upon us. First, warnings. Don’t send flowers. Please. Before those roses wilt so might your partner.
Also, easy on candles. Just trying to help you. Understand, everything can flicker out. Same might he, she or it. And watch the dental braces. You don’t want to get entangled.
Make a phone call, send an email, buy a cheapo hanky, mail a letter, iron an unused kerchief, phone a friend, find a tie, repack a scarf, polish an old earring, find warm socks, spruce up a marked down T-shirt, dig out gloves, spring for lozenges, deliver soup, visit personally.
I mean, please. If Napoleon was a cheapo, Josephine would’ve stuck him in exile earlier.
Shah Jahan and Mumtaz? Forget some crappy studio. Not even an NYC developer, yet the guy built her a whole Taj Mahal.
Cleopatra and Mark Antony? Listen, he had an asp ready if necessary. I’m told he also knew a Madison Avenue divorce lawyer.
Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky? The groom maybe left us due to exhaustion.
Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn? Them I didn’t personally know. I didn’t come around until weeks later.
But we have a few modern specialists. Like DiCaprio whose devoted moments of elixir might be turning to his latest model with: “Next!”
Stars find leading roles
A movie star once told me: “Not easy to stay married in Hollywood. Working and on the set you just throw your hand out and some staffer puts a cup of hot coffee in it. Home after work, you do the same and your wife then answers: “Why? You crippled? Get it yourself.”
Listen, some couples stay together. Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. Long married. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett, too. Beyoncé and Jay-Z long married. Helen Mirren long married. Matt Damon long married. Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka long married. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia, too.
Crushing rules
So, what are the rules for tried and true Valentimers?
It comes down to numbers of days. It’s the time to listen to a solution — like if you’re into anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance and charge accounts.
It is the time between date nights — to encourage closeness, steadiness, togetherness. Also if you can stand each other and have much besides “Pass the ketchup” to discuss.
Also important: uninterrupted family time together — like to try and discuss finances.
Needed is romantic vacations. Getaways. Hugging — or pretending.
No arguments. Do not try to “win.” Continue intimacy. Forget name-calling.
Another also, do not use your dog as a quilt.
It’s daily appreciations. It’s don’t go to bed angry. (Or stay up all night.)
We are talking kindness, thoughtfulness, generosity, patience — jewelry, perfume, a nice blouse — and, listen, if he remembers to spring for a gift this weekend it helps.
Happy Valentine’s Day from those of us at the New York Post.
