It’s 28 degrees in Florida, and the citrus industry there is crippled. It hasn’t hit 35 degrees in New York in days, and the Midwest is experiencing devastating cold and snow. Global warming? All recent summits have been snowed out. That iceburg can’t melt fast enough for me. I’m starting a movement called “global cooling.” No annoying, boring ex-vice presidents need apply.

Tony Stells, Manhattan