PUT CINDY Crawford’s name on the marquee and I’ll go see the movie. Never mind that she isn’t a skilled actress, she’s fun to watch. She takes your breath away, even if she doesn’t upgrade the quality of the movie.

Put the name Rey Ordonez on a lineup card and I’ll go see the game. He makes plays with his glove and his arm you never knew were possible. He creates outs and highlight reels out of thin air. He takes your breath away, even if he doesn’t upgrade the quality of the team when all the pluses and minuses of his performance are calculated.

Shame on any killjoy who would belabor The Shea Rey Kid’s paltry offensive production levels, numbers that make him forever a candidate for the weakest offensive regular in the game.

So he went into last night’s game against the Padres batting .211 with a .263 slugging percentage and a .277 on-base percentage. You think I’m going call attention to those numbers and run the risk of starting a campaign to upgrade the Mets via the shortstop position? Not a chance. He’s too enjoyable to watch.

Luis Lopez will make most of the plays Ordonez makes, but it’s the one extra one a week that Ordonez makes that leave you thirsting to see more of him. It’s best to plan trips to the Carvel stand when the Mets are hitting for fear doing otherwise could mean having to lie about the play you “saw” Ordonez make.

As for that ranking of starting major league players in one magazine’s preseason issue, the one that ranked Ordonez 29th among 30 starting shortstops, dispose of it immediately, before someone from the Mets sees it and gets an idea.

Shhh! Not a word more about it, if you know what’s good for all of us. A lot of guys in the big leagues can hit the ball over the fence. Adding one more to the Mets’ lineup might help them win more games, but it’s not going to make them more exciting than having a gymnast in the middle of the infield.

There is more to going to the ballpark than merely watching your team win the game. Having something to talk about on the ride home is nearly as important. Ordonez gives you that.

He made news last week by sulking when he was benched. He turned the bill of his cap up during the game as a means of protesting. It was all such harmless stuff. It also served the purpose of keeping everyone’s attention trained on what Ordonez does when he’s not in the lineup, rather than on what he doesn’t do when he is in the lineup.

What he doesn’t do is hit with any consistency. If it pains you to watch Ordonez swing at pitches that wouldn’t be in Manute Bol’s strike zone a simple solution is at your disposal. Use it. You were born knowing how to do it. It’s not hard. Just blink and you’ll miss him hitting.

Ordonez ranks last in the National League in pitches per at bat with 2.87.

Luckily, Bobby Valentine continues to stick up for his shortstop’s ability to contribute to the offense. The moment he stops defending Ordonez we might all be in trouble because it could mean he’s thinking about replacing him.

Now, with the heart of the outfield buried by wounded knees, more than ever, the degree of offensive contribution from the shortstop could become an issue. Right, Bobby?

Wrong, Valentine said. What a relief.

“I haven’t noticed him being a burden, or whatever,” Valentine said. “He had a couple of really good offensive games in Chicago. We just lost them both.”

Every time Ordonez has a couple of good days at the plate he buys more time and the pleasure we derive from watching him is extended.

Shouldn’t he be taking more pitches, though?

“That’s all part of recognition,” Valentine said. “Guys who take a lot of pitches don’t go up to the plate with the idea of taking pitches. They do a better job of recognizing pitches that aren’t good pitches to swing at.”

Such as the ones over Ordonez’s head?

“For the record, I don’t think he’s ever swung at a pitch that was over his head,” Valentine said.

In fact, those high balls Ordonez hacks at, Valentine explained, aren’t nearly as high as they appear because of the way the shortstop dips his head, a la Pete Incaviglia, when he swings. Valentine said he didn’t see the ranking of the regulars that appeared in the Sports Illustrated preseason issue. He was surprised to hear Ordonez was ranked 29th, ahead of only Denny Hocking, at shortstop.

Fortunately, Valentine hasn’t looked to shortstop yet for a solution. Sometimes, better means less exciting. We don’t want that to happen.