Welcome to Football Hondo ’08, where for the price of The Post you also receive – free of charge – your very own personal seat license for five months of riveting, top-notch, savvy and in-depth NFL handicapping. So pull up a chair, HondoNation, and pay close attention as Mr. Aitch offers this week’s words of pigskin wisdom:
Giants over Redskins:
The No More Shockey Factor trumps the Super Bowl Winner Letdown Theory. Lay ’em and slay ’em.
Jets over Dolphins:
Fish receivers are said to be struggling. Word is they keep closing their hands early because they can’t get used to Chad’s changeups.
Bengals over Ravens:
Bengwad WR Chad Johnson legally changed his name to his number, “Ocho Cinco.” Other names that should have been considered: Bozo Clowno, Dope O’Droppo, Nincompoopo and Idiot.
Patriots over Chiefs:
Flabby filmmaker Michael Moore told cable punk Keith Olbermann that Gustav’s scheduled arrival in New Orleans during the Republican Convention “is proof there is a God in Heaven.” Michael Moore is proof there is a need for Hell.
Steelers over Texans:
Anchors For Obama congregated in New Orleans in hopes of accomplishing two objectives: cover Gustav, and, more importantly, help Obama by trying to link McCain to Bush’s slow response to Katrina.
Jaguars over Titans:
Sadly, Olbermann didn’t make the trip to the Big Easy. It would have been fascinating to see if 130 mph winds are powerful enough to muss that mousse-filled ‘do.
Lions over Falcons:
Ryan time is cryin’ time for Dirty Bird backers.
Bills over Seahawks:
Actor David Duchovny reportedly is addicted to on-line porn. Sources say he finally bottomed out and realized he had a problem when he spent a night watching Peter “Petey Perv” Cook, do his thing in front of the Web cam.
Saints over Buccaneers:
Collective HondoNation props must go out to insurance man Brad Strenge, whose policy of losing in the Otterkill club championship came to a glorious end Monday after 19 years.
Eagles over Rams:
John “Juan” Edwards will receive 65G for an upcoming speech at the University of Illinois – that’s good dough for a dirtbag. The expected topic? The Remissionary Position: When It’s OK To Mess Around On Your Cancer-Stricken Wife.
Browns over Cowboys:
Pacman Jones says he doesn’t want to be called Pacman. OK, Pacman, how ’bout Perpman?
Chargers over Panthers:
E-mauler Ed Buckmir says John Edwards likes hometown Carolina getting on the road almost as much as he liked getting it on the road.
Cardinals over 49ers:
J.T. O’Sullivan’s the starter at QB for SF. Don’t know if he can play, but he definitely has a future as a bar owner.
Bears over Colts:
A panel of doctors says ear wax shouldn’t be removed because it acts as a cleaning agent. In that case, mothers should take a chunk when it tumbles out of their youngsters’ ears and insert it in the kids’ noses and let the wax work its wondrous cleaning powers.
Vikings over Packers:
The Republicans, wary of another Katrina fiasco, so far are doing the minimum at their convention in Minneapolis. However, Larry Craig, a huge Packer fan, intends to be at his favorite stall at the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport tomorrow to conduct a seminar on stall-peeping and toe-tapping. Perverts are welcomed.
Raiders over Broncos:
Let’s cut Bristol Palin and her hockey-loving, high-sticking boyfriend a little slack. After all, once you get done hunting and fishing, what else is there to do in Alaska?
BEST BETS: Giants,Eagles, Vikings.
hondo@nypost.com
