NO dignity, no shame. No shame, no dignity.

Postcards from Hades:

During his stand-up days, Woody Allen told of being kidnapped when he was a child. When his father learned what happened, “He sprang into action! He rented out my room.”

Steiner Sports, the autograph/memorabilia firm that does exclusive work with the Yankees and Rangers, Monday sprang into such action.

A few hours after Kirby Puckett died, Steiner Sports e-mailed customers with word that with Puckett’s passing, “The sports world has lost a great one,” and Steiner Sports “still has five Batting Champ balls that have his signature.” Only $800 apiece.

The missive further noted that Steiner Sports has Puckett’s autograph on a ball with 15 Hall of Famers. Those balls go for $2,000 each.

With Puckett deceased only hours, one customer e-mailed back to express his disgust by such a sell.

The next day, a Steiner salesman responded: “You are 100 percent correct and I apologize.” That Puckett come-on, he continued, was “on a timer and wasn’t supposed to be sent out until this morning.”

Yep, the sell wasn’t supposed to commence on the night of Puckett’s death, but the following morning.

But Steiner Sports is hardly alone. The good folks at ESPN apparently consider Puckett worth more dead than alive, too.

ESPN lately has been pushing (pushing, pushing) its new ESPN Mobile cell phone. When ESPN interviews folks via telephone, a picture of the ESPN Mobile phone appears on the TV screen and a photo of the person being interviewed appears on the ESPN Mobile screen.

Monday, as several readers noted, ESPNews conducted phone interviews with some of Puckett’s distraught ex-teammates. As they spoke, the photo that appeared on the ESPN Mobile screen was Puckett’s. That’s right, shortly after learning of Puckett’s death, ESPN used him to sell ESPN cell phones.

Sunday, the Jets waived Kevin Mawae. Also Sunday, the Jets honored their eight-year center by e-mailing fans on their buddy list to announce a “Kevin Mawae Replica Jersey Blowout!” sale. Seriously. Everything Mawae must go!

NBC’s Johnny Miller, who earned our admiration for his frank assessments, last week began to star in Ford commercials.

This past weekend, late in the final round of the Doral Ford Championship, Miller used his telestrator to circle an on-course Ford promo car, then said, “There’s the car I want – that is sweet.”

That was the second time Miller went way out of his way to tell us Ford makes fabulous cars. So long, Johnny.

Discussing this ugliness with Stu Schneider, TV columnist for Golf World magazine, Schneider wondered if Miller, on this weekend’s NBC telecasts of the Honda Classic, will volunteer his sentiments about Hondas.

Finally, there’s John Buccigross, hired by ESPN as a “SportsCenter” anchor, but then, as are all “SportsCenter” anchors, turned into a Disney stooge.

Recently, Buccigross was forced to report the Bulls were on an extended road trip because “Disney on Ice” was in the arena. ESPN threw in footage of “Disney on Ice” above a graphic that gave the Chicago dates for “Disney On Ice.”

Last weekend, ESPN presented “Disney Weekend.” It was different from other ESPN Disney weekends (and weekdays) only in that ESPN moved its shows to Disney World.

So, by Monday night, when it seemed reasonably safe to return to “SportsCenter,” there sat Buccigross, reporting the following breaking news: ESPNU is starting a “SportsCenter”-type show.

And, Buccigross was forced to add, the show will debut in August, a mere five months away.

Kirby Puckett autographs! Get your Kirby Puckett autographs! Get ’em while he’s hot!

*

Lookalikes: Manhattan’s David Greenfield submits Barry Bonds and Queen Latifah . . . CBS’ Dan Bonner (a Billy Packer sound-alike), during Saturday’s UCLA-Stanford game, noted that the NCAA tournament is “Thursday-Saturday and Friday-Sunday, the same schedule the Pac-10 plays.” Interesting.

In Sunday’s Puerto Rico-Mets ESPN telecast, the visiting team was seen in the score graphic as “PUR.” Even Puerto Rico’s team caps read, “P.R.,” but leave it to ESPN to turn Puerto Rico into Purdue.

Never thought we’d ever accuse Sean McDonough of pandering, but yesterday, during Syracuse-UConn on ESPN, he explained Jim Boeheim‘s obscenity-loaded postgame press conference from Wednesday as evidence of Boeheim’s “passion” for star guard Gerry McNamara, as opposed to evidence of Boeheim’s lack of class.