We have endured 135 days of madness and sniping and gamesmanship and courtroom smashmouth and 11th-hour shenanigans that both depressed and infuriated fans everywhere. America can’t wait to do its end-zone dance now, once it becomes official that the billionaire owners and millionaire players have scored their laborious touchdown.
The players are expected to vote today to ratify a new collective bargaining agreement — some are calling it a mere formality. Soon after, the coaches could start coaching again and the players could start playing again, even as adrenaline-fueled general managers burn up the phones as the Wild Wild West of free agency — four years of service and you’re unrestricted, if you last that long — would begin after three days of teams pushing to sign their own.
Unless, if the email Drew Brees sent to his Saints teammates is proven accurate, free agency will begin tomorrow at noon and there will be no three-day grace period for teams to sign their own players. It will be open for anyone to sign anywhere.
Fool us once, NFL, shame on us. Fool us twice, NFL, shame on you. You screwed it up once. Don’t screw it up again.
You’ve tampered with our emotions enough. You threw your $9.3 billion football to us Thursday night, then had the gall to ask for it back.
No instant replay now.
Today is your last chance to save the season we want. I don’t care if the Ghosts of Lawrence Taylor, Dick Butkus, Reggie White, Ray Nitschke and Jack Tatum are standing between Roger Goodell and DeMaurice Smith and the goal line.
Give us our touchdown already, because our imaginations are running wild about the NFL in 2011:
Jets coach Rex Ryan gets to cry again in front of his team, gets to pass out an itinerary that ends with shaking the president’s hand at the White House, and maybe pass out autographed copies of his book while he’s at it.
GM Mike “Rip Van” Tannenbaum will engineer a two-minute drill over the course of a three-day exclusive negotiating window to make sure Redskins owner Daniel Snyder cannot get his hands on Santonio Holmes and probably to target a cost-saving replacement (Randy Moss or Plaxico Burress?) for Braylon Edwards.
Giants coach Tom Coughlin gets to talk t-e-a-m until he is Big Blue in the face, and ask Eli Manning how he is enjoying fatherhood when the quarterback shows up 10 minutes early for the first team meeting instead of five minutes early.
GM Jerry “Rip Van” Reese will engineer a two-minute drill over the course of those three days to make sure Ahmad Bradshaw doesn’t head to Miami and maybe arm-wrestles Osi Umenyiora to decide whether the disgruntled defensive end gets that pay bump he swears he was promised. Or plasters a photo of Eagles running back LeSean McCoy over Umenyiora’s locker to define the real enemy.
In case you haven’t checked your NFL schedule, Saints at defending champion Packers kicks it off Thursday night, Sept. 8.
And then Giants at Redskins at 4:15 p.m. on the 10-year anniversary of 9/11. Could you imagine the egg on the NFL’s face if the lockout had intruded on that day?
And the Cowboys visit the Jets that night, which means Rex coaching against twin brother Rob, the Cowboys’ new defensive coordinator. Other highlights:
Sept. 25: Giants at Michael Vick’s Eagles, 1 p.m.: Will Vick be throwing to Burress?
Oct. 2: Jets at Ravens, 8:20 p.m.: Bart Scott: “Can’t wait.”
Oct. 9: Jets at Patriots, 4:15 p.m.: Tom Brady doesn’t prepare like Peyton Manning.
Oct. 17: Dolphins at Jets, 8:30 p.m.: Sal Alosi is not invited.
Nov. 6: Giants at Patriots, 4:15 p.m.: What if Bill Belichick has a perfect season on the line?
Nov. 13: Patriots at Jets, 8:20 p.m.: Brady hates Antonio Cromartie, whether he’s a Jet or not.
Nov. 20: Eagles at Giants, 8:20 p.m.: Coughlin summons Seal Team 6 to whisk away Matt Dodge if he dares punt it to DeSean Jackson this time.
Nov. 28: Giants at Saints, 8:30 p.m.: Maybe rookie cornerback Prince Amukamara can pick off Drew Brees.
Dec. 4: Packers at Giants, 4:15 p.m.: Maybe Amukamara can pick off Aaron Rodgers.
Dec. 11: Giants at Cowboys, 8:20 p.m.: Maybe Amukamara can pick off Tony Romo.
Dec. 18: Redskins at Giants, 1 p.m.: Maybe Amukamara can trap Holmes (SAY IT AIN’T SO!) on Amukamara Island.
Dec. 18: Jets at Eagles, 4:15 p.m.: Rex won’t flip the bird to Iggles fans, will he?
Dec. 24: Giants at Jets, 1 p.m.: Will Rex still think the Giants are the Jets’ little brothers?
Jan. 1, 2012: Cowboys at Giants, 1 p.m.: How many top secrets will Rex give Rob?
Jan. 1: Jets at Dolphins, 1 p.m.: If Ronnie Brown is gone, Rex won’t have to worry as much about the Wildcat.
The two most vicious games of the year figure to be Steelers at Ravens on Sept. 11 and Ravens at Steelers on Nov. 6.
The smart money has Matt Hasselbeck heading to Tennessee so rookie Jake Locker isn’t thrown to the wolves. If Bradshaw leaves the Giants, ex-Panther DeAngelo Williams would be the ideal replacement if he doesn’t wind up with John Fox in Denver. If Edwards leaves the Jets, Sidney Rice would be nice unless he goes to play catch with Brady. If Cromartie leaves the Jets, no one will complain if Nnamdi Asomugha somehow, some way, were to join Darrelle Revis.
Jenn Sterger Alert: There already are rumors that the Eagles, even as they deny it, could be interested in Brett Favre barking up — backing up, sorry — Vick in Philadelphia. Oh well, you can’t have everything.
Super Bowl XLVI will be Feb. 5 at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis.
Don’t screw it up this time.
