LOS ANGELES – Somehow, I seriously suspect whatever pontificating Phil Jackson was peddling while lacing ’em up for those 75 memorable games as a member of the Piscataway Nets from 1978 through ’80, he imagined the road to a ninth NBA title went through Red Auerbach and the Lincoln Tunnel: ’cause you know this L.A. Luxury Liner ain’t stayin’ nowhere but “The City.”
Boy, is Big Chief Triangle ever going to be sorry he rejected the offer to make the Garden State the site of his coming out party following his 1-year sideline sabbatical.
“No future here,” was Jackson’s mantra of the moment.
Guess again. In the words of George Allen, Woody Allen and Allen Iverson, “The future is now.”
Welcome to the 2002 NBA Finals, co-starring the New Jersey Nets, judged by the preponderance of court connoisseurs as such virgin sacrifices Antoine Walker advises them to stay home.
Besmirch the Beasts Of The East all you want. Go ahead and haughtily write ’em off as a minor mud puddle separating Jackson from a third three-peat. Feel free to plan your escape route from next week’s projected Beverly Hills bonfires.
Personally, for logic that sometimes even escapes me, I think the Nets have it made in the shade. Presenting 25 reasons why they’re overcome with overconfidence:
1: History is on their side. Long before Shaq was plugging Whoppers, “The Whopper” was plugging the pivot for the Nets. Thus, the “Win one for Billy Paultz” battle cry is so loud it’s breaking windows in Long Beach.
2: Make ’em be Chasin’ Kidd. The Lakers were exposed by quick guards who routinely maneuvered them out of position.
3: NBC has hired Bruce Springsteen to perform during 20-second times out.
4: How can the rubber-legged Lakers not feel like they already won the championship after needing a full complement of commercial times out to Sack-ramento?
5: Kobe Bryant is hideously overdue to be deposited on his derriere while Kenyon Martin is hideously overdue for a flagrant foul. Is this kismet, or what?
6: Vanessa Williams lost out on her Tony bid Sunday night across the river. Think hubby Rick Fox won’t be bogged down by carrying the shame of the entire family?
7: Sure, L.A. Lore boasts legends like Elgin, Wilt, Kareem, Mikan, Magic and West . . . but the Nets had Manny Leaks. Has there ever been a better name for a designated specimen supplier?
8: Unlike the gullible western wannabes we misanthropes in the metro area don’t leave our houses, our cars and our defensive assignments wide open from three. Especially anyone nicknamed The Bondsman. Aside to Robert Horry: try beating the Nets over the top when they’re in their zone. Better yet, try shooting with a hand in your face for a change.
9: Check it out: the ABA (Spurs) won the title in ’99 and the ABA (Pacers) lost the title in ’00. Now it’s the ABA’s turn again, meaning the Nets win, or the Nuggets get a bye right to the White House.
10: If memory serves me correctly, the New Jersey Americans/New York Nets always had their way with the Anaheim Amigos/L.A. Stars . . . despite the presence of Steve Chubin, Merv Jackson and Simmie Hill.
11: If the Nets can win a title with Kim Hughes and Jumbo Jim Eakins in the middle, you know Todd MacCulloch, Jason Collins and Aaron Williams can get them to the Promised Land. Hughes, by the way, resurfaced Sunday as the Kings’ free throw guru.
12: Tim Bassett already has done a victory line.
13: David Stern has mandated that the new title will belong to a franchise with celebrities sitting under courtside.
14: Jimmy Hoffa says he knows where Roy Boe should be buried.
15: A half million cigars later, Bill Melchionni can still take Lindsay Hunter off the dribble.
16: Jackson confides he’s scared to death about coaching in the shadows of Max Zaslofsky, York Larese and Red Sarachek.
17: The Nets intend to mess with the Lakers’ minds by playing Game 3 at the Teaneck Armory, Game 4 at Commack Arena and Game 5 at Island Garden.
18: Jersey’s Jack Nicholson wants to tell Jackson he likes the Nets but knows he “can’t handle the truth.”
19: Todd MacCulloch knows all Shaq’s moves and has seen all Shaq’s movies.
20: When was the last time Jordan (Eddie) lost in The Finals?
21: Joumana Kidd against Vanessa Bryant is a complete mismatch.
22: Keith Van Horn is a better front man than Eddie Van Halen.
23: Artie Heyman promised to provide a Jack Dolph-autographed red, white and blue ball for the opening tip.
24: John Roche is in better shape than Mitch Richmond.
25: Jayson Williams is picking up the Lakers at the airport.
