AH, THE musical delights of a New York Christmas …
Everyone! Clear your throats and sing along …
Ahem …
“January in the Meadowlands”
(“Walking in a Winter Wonderland”)
As sung by Tom Coughlin
Eli flings, off his back foot
Strahan stings, like a shot put
With Tiki and Plax
The wind’s at our backs
January in the Meadowlands
Film at noon, don’t be tardy
Or I’ll roar, like Lombardi
I’ll fine you a grand
Till you understand
January in the Meadowlands
At the start I said this is a process
The writers thought my brain was made of wood
Now they ask, “You ready?” I say “Hell, yes!”
And I’d have them arrested if I could
Tell Corzine, tell Pataki
Osi’s primed, so is Shockey
New York or N.J.
We’ll do things my way
January in the Meadowlands
“Must rest ye, Stephon Marbury”
(“God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen”)
As sung by Larry Brown
Must rest ye, Stephon Marbury
And ye, too, Malik Rose
Our team is bound for 20 wins
And lies now in repose
The Garden used to sound like thunder
Not Madame Tussaud’s
Oh it’s hard to have fun when it’s this bleak
(Blame it on Zeke)
Can I get a buy-out by this time next week?
“The Big First Baseman”
(“The Little Drummer Boy”)
As sung by Carlos Delgado
Stand, they told me (pa-rum-pa-pum-pum)
The seventh-inning stretch (pa-rum-pa-pum-pum)
God Bless America (pa-rum-pum-pum-pum)
Or hear the fans kvetch (pa-rum-pa-pum-pum, rum-pa-pum-pum, rum-pa-pum-pum)
Anna Benson freaked (pa-rum-pa-pum-pum)
I must admit I peeked (pa-rum-pa-pum-pum)
She sat on Santa’s lap (pa-rum-pa-pum-pum)
Without a single strap (pa-rum-pa-pum-pum, yumma-yum-yum, funna-fun-fun!)
Still don’t like Bernazard (pa-rum-pa-pum-pum)
Still I’ll go yard
“I’ll Be Home for the Playoffs”
(“I’ll be Home for Christmas”)
As sung by Herman Edwards
I’ll be home for the playoffs
You can count on me
Let me know
If Chad can throw
If Curtis needs new knees …
Training camp will find me
On the job, don’t fear
I’ll be back in Hempstead …
If only one more year
“Give Yourself Two Hundred Million Dollars”
(“Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”)
As sung by George Steinbrenner
Give yourself two hundred million dollars
Now pretend you’re me
From now on I get to rip you endlessly …
Give yourself two hundred million dollars
Win a hundred games
Then October comes, and you go up in flames
Way back when, in the glory years
I’d be shedding tears
Oh, boy
Back when Brosius and Paul O’Neill
Made me always squeal
With joy
Through the years, when A-Rod’s in a big spot
He’ll go 6-4-3
When Big Unit stinks, he’ll say “Don’t blame me!”
All this for a
Two-hundred-million dollar fee
“Boras the Dough Man”
(“Frosty the Snowman”)
As sung by every hotshot baseball player everywhere
Boras the Dough Man
Said he’ll get me 90 mill
And a private jet
From the New York Mets
And if he can’t no one will
Boras the Dough Man
Made a mint for J.D. Drew
And a mean old clown
Name of Kevin Brown
Think of what he’ll do for you
There must have been some magic
In how he negotiates
Cause now my GNP’s worth more
Than Croatia’s or Kuwait’s
O …
Boras the Dough Man
Says he’ll get me quite a score
Johnny Damon knows
He should kiss his toes
Till he’s dead … then … five … years … more!
(Mike Vaccaro’s e-mail address is michael.vaccaro@nypost.com. His Yankees-Red Sox book, “Emperors and Idiots” – which makes a fabulous Christmas or Hanukkah gift, by the way – is available in bookstores everywhere)
VAC’SWHACKS
You have to admit, even if you can’t stand any of her music, it’s kind of neat to know Mariah Carey’s showing up at a halftime ceremony or an awards show, just to see what she isn’t wearing.
Those faux press conferences Steve Phillips has been doing on ESPN are more believable than the one Pat Riley and Stan Van Gundy put on the other day in Miami.
If you’re like me and already miss Gary Cohen doing baseball on the radio, do yourself a favor and get your fix listening to him do Seton Hall basketball games. He’s a lot better than the team he calls, of course, but there’s nothing new about that.
Saw “The Odd Couple,” so now it’s official, we can post the final BCS Oscar Madison Poll: 1. Klugman; 2. Matthau; 3. Lane. Hey, Nathan was fine. But you put Mickey Mantle up against Joe DiMaggio and Willie Mays, he’s gonna finish third, too.
