Bad Thai. Very bad. Down, Marcella!

Trader Joe’s frozen vegan pad Thai — the product that made acquitted aisle-assaulter Marcella Caprario slap-happy — wouldn’t be worth a fight even in a time of famine.

When I popped the “traditional Thai-style rice noodles in a peanut sauce with tofu, scallions and carrots” in the microwave, I expected to say: Not great, but no worse than the delivery favorite usually is after 20 minutes on a bike in the rain.

Little did I know. “No artificial colors or flavors” evidently means no artificial colors and no flavors — unless you regard sticky, sour peanut-butter residue as a substance worth tasting.

I love Thai food. I even have a weakness for the sloppy, starchy article dispensed at cheap Thai eateries ruled by the takeout trade, where sauces are thickened to withstand the trip home.

But I’ve never tasted anything as dismal as the one from Trader Joe’s.

If this really is Caprario’s husband’s favorite frozen dinner, she needs to slap some sense into his taste buds.