Police in Morrisville, Pa. have seen a lot of weird things on the job, but nothing prepared them for the guy who limped into the station house – with a nail and a firecracker in his penis. The unidentified man from nearby Trenton, N.J., told the stunned cops he had inserted the objects himself, but refused to say why. He asked them to take him to the hospital.

The bizarre incident quickly sparked ribald humor among officers.

“He probably wanted to go off with a bang,” one quipped.

Dying with dignity doesn’t seem to be a priority at one French hospital, where a plumber working in the basement came across a decomposed corpse.

“We lose about six or seven patients a year,” said one staffer at the Hotel Dieu Hospital in Paris.

But red-faced officials, trying for damage control, are insisting the corpse could be that of a tramp who got into the hospital or a patient who wandered off.

Most police departments protect citizens – but the force in one Illinois town has been sworn to protect its squirrels.

Officers in Olney wear white “squirrel patches” and bust anyone suspected of harassing the nut-gathering beasts. Cats are also banned from roaming beyond their owners’ yards.

“We love our squirrels. Each time you see one, it’s like seeing a rainbow,” gushed resident Ande Sterchi.

It may sound like the students at the University of Wisconsin are majoring in sex and Mexican food.

That’s because the credit card statements of parents who charge their kids’ tuition also billed them for thousands of dollars from a local motel and a Taco Bell.

Turns out the school’s billing service had a glitch and scrambled accounts. So officials have hastily written to parents to let them know their little darlings aren’t pigging out on tacos or shacking up.

Read it and wipe – that’s the slogan of a German publisher planning to print novels on rolls of toilet paper.

“Nowadays there are only two places people go to read a book – either in bed or on the toilet,” said Georges Hemmerstoffer, whose company was swamped with orders at the Frankfurt book fair.

“Access to literature should be made easier and books are there to be used. With our toilet paper we’re killing two birds with one stone.”

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