A Massachusetts businessman wants to open a Starbucks coffee shop at the home where infamous ax killer Lizzie Borden hacked her parents to death in 1892.

Critics say Donald Woods’ idea of putting a java joint at the Fall River house is not only distasteful, but historically inaccurate.

“Were she alive today, Lizzie Borden would prefer tea and sherry,” sniffed William Fowler Jr. of the Massachusetts Historical Society.

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Widows have donated their late husbands’ neckties to an Ohio church so it can stitch them together to make a new altar cloth – but not every cravat is welcome.

“We have ties that should have never been sold, much less worn,” said Sharon Kowaleski of Trinity United Methodist in Orrville, which collected more than 500 ties for the project.

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A New Orleans zoo – impressed that a shy female panda mated successfully after being shown panda porn in China – hopes to use the same trick to turn their bashful male gorilla into a super-stud.

Casey, 21, hasn’t impregnated any of the Audubon Zoo’s three female primates – Binti and Fanya, both 28, and Binti’s 8-year-old daughter, Praline – so he’s now being treated to explicit tapes of other gorillas mating.

“Hopefully, he’ll get some inspiration,” said curator Dan Maloney.

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A Japanese teen was forced to write an apology in blood for dozing in class.

The 17-year-old was given a boxcutter by his teacher and ordered to cut his finger and scrawl his apology on paper.

Officials at the Fukuoka City school are furious, but the student isn’t. He plans to stay in the same class.

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A restaurant in Ukraine is serving the unhealthiest snack in the world – chocolate-covered pork fat.

And despite the fact that the region has one of the highest rates of death from heart disease in Europe, the Kiev eatery’s artery-clogging delicacy is a hit.

“It’s the worst combination you could have,” said Dr. Svetlana Fus of the Ukrainian Medical Research Center.